Jan. 1st, 2012 06:37 pm
morerubato: (Default)
[personal profile] morerubato
What constitutes as "reality"?
"Acknowledging the present", you might say, and I wouldn't disagree -
but I wouldn't choose that as my sole answer.
After all, I wouldn't be where I am now if it weren't for the actions I've committed, the choices I've made, and the people I've met before. The past may not exist anymore, but it played a big part in shaping my reality today. Try as I might, but I cannot disregard my past.
It's not all sunshine and rainbows, though. We cherish fond moments in our heads, but the past is often rife with negative memories as well. It hurts to think about them. How do you cure pain that isn't physical?
I knew that in order to "return to reality", I had to let go of my regrets and other similar sentiments. Get rid of the things that bring me down. I just didn't know what "letting go" meant.
I was passive at first and tried relying on time to work its healing magic - it didn't work. Rather than disappearing like I hoped they would, my regrets manifested into more permanent forms. They would creep into my mind when I least expected it during the day, and haunt me relentlessly as I slept at night. I could not ignore my problems. I broke down.
I squandered a lot of time attempting to "move on". I knew my regrets resulted from my inability to come to terms with my emotions, so I tried to sort them out. I thought I could handle whatever life threw at me, but the more time tested me, the more confused I became. I was powerless to act when I couldn't even understand how I truly felt. I lost track of what was real, and I fell into depression.
You see, I got it all wrong. It's not about realizing what is real - that would be futile.
I have to realize what is important to me. Instead of focusing on past negative aspects, I need to remember my positive values and shift my attention back to what needs to be done. I can't change the past, but I can convince myself I don't need to.
What is reality? For me, it's knowing that the fight is not over until I say so. I still have goals to accomplish, people I care for, and those are important to me. That's my reality.
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